That Little Feeling

You know when you have that little spark of reassurance and confidence? That little ember of hope that manifests itself inside of your heart? You know that feeling? I do, and I think that is the best feeling in the world. It can be easy to discredit that feeling by thinking that it is irrational, short-lived, unimportant, and so random. But I believe that that little ember of reassurance and peace is one of the most important things we can feel. When you think about it, that “random” little feeling makes you feel really good––it brings about something that you couldn’t just think of on your own, so why down-play it? This feeling is definitely worthwhile. I mean, why would you discourage any hope that would come about from that feeling? Why discourage any hope that manifests itself to you, no matter how small? It doesn’t make any sense. And just because it might not last that long, doesn’t mean that it was fake or made-up––it was only short-lived because that was all your spirit needed to be encouraged and prompted to keep going.

Satan's Influence

Satan is good at what he does. If he wasn't good at it, then everybody would be perfect in this mortal state. I've known many people who have been angry at God for allowing them to face difficult temptations, addictions, or loss. I know, because I have felt that way before. While we talk about God knowing us so well, I think that Satan knows us really well, too. I don't know that he knows as much about us as God does, but he knows us enough to know our weaknesses. Our weaknesses are our breaking points––the faulty parts of ourselves we give in to too often. And the sad thing is that it is easy to give up and fall into his traps. It's easy for us to disregard our potential and take the lazy options that require no effort but give easy satisfaction. It's only human to want to take the easy route. And that's why God encourages us to do the harder rights rather than the easier wrongs––He wants us to transcend this mortal state and become something better. Only then can we partake of the eternal happiness that is promised to us by God. But it's just so difficult to always keep that perspective and  remember what God wants for us. Like I said before, Satan is good at what he does. But God is better. With God's help, we can recognize the worthwhile things and ultimately become who we are meant to be––perfect sons and daughters of God. I know that to be fact.

Confidence

Confidence is a simple idea but is one of the hardest things to master. Every single person on earth struggles at some point in their life with confidence. But why? Why is it so hard to choose to be confident? When we look at little children, they are some of the most confident individuals around. They speak bluntly, wear non-fashionable things like its the new trend, and make friends with whoever they choose to befriend. When did we begin to loose that confidence we had as children? When did we become self-conscious? The interesting thing is that God “hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”(2 Timothy 1:7-8). So why do we experience fear and doubt our capabilities?
We like to think that if we know a subject really well, we should be able to speak confidently about it. But that’s not always the case. For example, members of the LDS church who love the Gospel, and know the Gospel truths through-and-though can still be too scared to share its messages. I just want to know why we all care so much about what others think over what God thinks. We are too easily distracted by the physical, tangible and present things that face us that we forget about the importance of what God thinks.
Turning one’s life around from being shy and doubtful to being confident is extremely hard. That internal battle we all face is a very real struggle. But if we take that leap of faith by saying or doing whatever things we would never think to do due to a lack of confidence, there can only be good things to come of it. Whether it is easily accomplished and well-received by others or not, it is a stepping stone to achieving our potential and ultimate happiness.

Harder Semester

*Update to yesterday’s grumpy Mr. Hyde: I slept for 13 hours straight and am now feeling okay.*

This rain is absolutely divine. Whenever I think of the type of weather that puts me in the right mood, it is rain. I just love the idea of sitting out on the porch, smelling the delicious rain, taking in all of the luscious green plants, and simply relaxing to the sound of the raindrops falling and the thunder crashing. It’s just the best.

I’m not really sure what else to talk about. I am feeling really stressed about having to study for finals and finish a few last assignments. This semester has been making me feel a little more frantic than last semester. I don’t know what it is, but I seem to feel more anxious on a regular basis. I guess that last semesters’ classes were more laid back. Especially with the finals. I honestly didn't feel stressed at all about taking any of those finals. I thought it was quite fun, really. But this semester has me wishing that I could just disappear. Don’t get me wrong: I have had some amazing moments this semester, but I think that these classes have had more of a serious, heavy feel than last semester. Let’s just say that I will be relieved once finals week is over.

A Couple of All-Nighters

I have pulled all-nighters for the past two nights in a row. I have never felt so “yer9qpwehfaisupcgfpqhh” before in my life. I highly recommend not doing it. My emotions have been all over the place. Usually whenever I get tired, I turn into my own form of Mr. Hyde and things can get pretty scary. Staying up for two nights in a row, and running off of only a few hours of sleep from power naps, I have consistently been in my Mr. Hyde mode. The thing with my Mr. Hyde side, though, is that I don’t really direct my anger at other people as much as I do at myself. When I get really tired but still have a lot of homework assignments to do, or something of that sort, I begin to beat up on myself. So for the past two days, I have been directing my negative, grumpy emotions toward myself. And it has been heck. Being like this has made it hard to focus on finishing my different school assignments and preparing myself for finals. All I want to do is be grumpy and not doing anything. I just really need a nap. I just got back from my second job so now I am going upstairs to my bed and my head is going to hit my pillow. Hard.

Writing 150

School is almost over. I can’t believe that I almost have two semesters under my belt––time really does fly by. I must say that I think this semester has been a bit trickier than last, but I honestly do think that my favorite class was Writing 150. Seriously though. I enjoy writing, but am not that great, so this class has really helped me develop as a writer. At the beginning of the semester on the first day of class, I felt intimidated. I thought that it would be my least favorite class and that it would make me hate writing even more. But once I got home from school that day, I just couldn’t shake this feeling that it would be great. I began to be quite excited, actually. Because of that, I stayed in the class, and oh boy am I glad that I did. I haven’t had such an enriching writing class before in my life. Before this class, I had always wanted to better develop my wiring skills but never knew what to do. Having the requirement to keep a daily journal has really helped me. Same with the weekly digital dialogues. Writing this often has really strengthened my skill as a writer and has given me valuable practice that I never would have thought of doing on my own. All in all, I am very grateful that I decided to stay in this class.

Sleeping In

The beginning to my day was a little bit crazy. I fell asleep last night after finishing my Russian essay and then I woke up at six, but then realized I could sleep for another hour before I would have to get up for my Book of Mormon class. So, I fell back asleep without setting an alarm, which was the fatal mistake. I woke up when the grandfather clock struck eight o’clock, and instantly panic set in because my Book of Mormon class started at eight! This was the first time I have slept in past a class in college! I finished submitting my Russian essay, quickly got ready, and had Chris drive me to school so I wouldn’t be even more late. And thankfully, despite my wort fears, once I got to class, things were okay. I just hope nothing happens like this during finals week. That would be a nightmare if I missed a final. I also have my physical science final at seven am one day, so hopefully I will be able to make it…

Well…I currently have a headache but still need to finish writing some papers for my classes. All I can do now is just keep going. This semester will end soon enough…

Easter

Happy Easter! Today has been a good day, I think. Mom invited a family friend, Sherrie Spencer, over to have dinner with us since her house is undergoing some crazy renovations. Dinner took a long time to prepare since I had to warm up a ham in the oven for seriously three hours, took an hour and fifteen minutes to cook the au gratin potatoes, and several hours to complete a six-layered chocolate salted caramel cake. The dinner was quite delicious though. And we actually got all of the recipes from Martha Stewart’s website. The funny thing is that all of her recipes have low ratings around three starts on average and all of the comments complain about how much they hate them. However, I still have yet to ever make a bad recipe from Martha Stewart. But seriously, I love all of her recipes.

Whew, that was a big tangent. Well, after dinner we all watched the movie “The Force Awakens” since Aaron bought it from RedBox for $4 since they were getting rid of their old movies. I actually really like that movie. I haven’t seen “Rogue One” and I don’t know if I want to. I’ve heard a lot of mixed reviews about it. Anyway, today has been pretty low-key which has been nice to take a break from all of the stress that comes at the end of the semester. But tomorrow all of that stress will return…

Bike Crash

Today Sam crashed his bike.

First of all, he was in a bike race. (I personally didn’t even know that he was in a bike race, but apparently he was.) When I came home from taking my physical science test at the testing center, Sam and Myrtle were at home and Sam was showering. That was when Myrtle told me that Sam crashed his bike. The even more heart-wrenching part––especially for Sam––was that he was in the breakout group of three right at the front with only a mile left until the finish––about to win the whole race––when he looked behind himself, bumped tires with the guy in front of him and crashed. Lately Sam’s racing luck has been been pretty bad. For example, a couple of races ago, right near the finish when he was also in the lead, got a flat tire. Then when he was chosen to participate in the LOTOJA bike race (which only accepts the participants in a random drawing), he smacked his knee on his bike just the wrong way that he couldn’t ride his bike for months and had to miss the race. I mean, what?!

Thankfully, this last race didn’t cause too much damage. He has road rash all over the right side of his body, but nothing is broken and his bike only has a few minor scrapes. Thankfully he will have a short recovery and will be able to continue to race in a few weeks, which he is stoked about.

Cat Lady

I don’t have anything to say today, so this post will be bit of a ramble so I just get my post in for the day.

Still thinking of what to say…

Well, I wish I had a cat still. I really miss Cato. I look like a crazy person now any time that I see a cat wander across my path when I am walking outside. An observer would see me lock my gaze on the cat, increase my speed to try and reach the cat before it runs away, and if I am close enough, I call out for the cat to let me pet it. But nearly every time the cat runs away when I am at about a ten foot distance away. That is how my life is going currently…

Well…there is a cat at the Humane Society that I really want to adopt. Her name is Cholula and she is a VERY sweet and snuggly momma cat––just like how Cato was. However, I can’t adopt any cats right now because I don’t have a place of my own (meaning a house and not a student apartment) and my mom doesn’t want to have any more pets. So I probably won’t be able to have a pet cat for another ten years. Isn’t that a weird thought: I want to be a cat lady already but I can’t even have a cat…sheesh.

Finals

This round of finals will be interesting because all of my finals are scheduled. I have mixed feelings about having them all scheduled. I like it because then I don’t have to set up a time to independently come, but instead just show up and take it. It is also easier to plan anything I am doing outside of school around the scheduled finals. It also helps to push me to take the tests. It gives me a goal to work towards. However, it can be hard to have scheduled finals because some of them are on the same day only a few minutes apart…ugh. And if I don't study in time, there is no planning a new time to take the test. So I need to be on top of things––something I need to be better at.

I cannot put into words how excited I am for this semester to end. I need a flipping break from school already, and the end cannot come soon enough. However, with the end comes all of the big final projects, papers, and tests. So I want school to be over, but at the same time I don’t. Here’s to hoping I survive this last stretch of school and finals.

Taste in Music

My guilty pleasure is listening to music from the 70’s or 80’s. NO ONE at home likes the old classics, that is, except for Mom on occasion. She was in her teens in the 70’s and so it was the music they would play at school dances and such. She also told me that a lot of her friends would go disco-dancing but she never really enjoyed those types of things…or so she wants me to believe. On multiple occasions when I have played Bee Gees on the stereo, I have seen her groove. The music really is contagious, and I can’t blame her for dancing. I can get pretty into the dancing at times, too. Crazy, I know, but it happens.

I also enjoy listening to music from around the 50’s. This decade of music is my “feel-good” music. Again, NO ONE (except for Mom) likes this type of music. I don’t know…I have an odd mish-mash taste in music. I’m thinking it’s because when I got my first iPod in first grade my dad put all of his music on my iPod. So, I listed to songs from James Taylor, Billy Joel, The Beach Boys, Chicago, MoTab, Mozart, The Bourne Identity and let’s not forget the random TV show theme songs from MASH, 77 Sunset Strip, and Happy Day’s. I was an easy kid to please. I mean I was in first grade: little kids are always easy to please.

But looking back on my exposure to music, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

CTR Ring

Usually I am not one to wear rings or much jewelry. I think that most earrings and necklaces just get in the way and never look that great on me. So, I have basically just stuck to wearing my watch and occasionally some simple stud earrings. However, a few days ago I gave in an ordered a ring. It’s not any ring, mind you, it’s a rose-gold CTR ring that I have been keeping my eye on for little bit. Today it came in the mail and I couldn't be more pleased. It fits perfectly, is simple, goes with my watch, and is not as annoying on my finger as I thought it would be. It will take a little while to get used to seeing it on my finger, but for the most part, I have been liking it.

This is actually my first legitimate CTR ring. When I was in primary, I cycled through some cheap 10 cent rings, but nothing really worked. Then, I decided to get a necklace with a little CTR ring on the chain and I actually wore it for a few years. I remember that everyone kept asking me if it was my baby ring since it was so small. I didn’t even know that was a thing…?

Regardless, I am quite happy with my CTR ring. Here’s to hoping it will last for a long time.

Possible Topic

Okay, so I think I have a semi better idea of where I want to go with my paper. I am thinking that I will argue that even though we live in a community of knowledge where we depend upon each other’s expertise in a field to learn, piggybacking ideas is detrimental to your overall learning. Specifically looking at the university forum. I am thinking that I will discuss how we learn, what the most effective ways to learn are, and why piggybacking ideas does us no favor. As I specifically look on college campuses, I can relate my argument back to how when we are going to college, we are supposed to be learning things for our own. We are about to enter the real world with a career and need to be able to handle things on our own. Many people give in and go with the flow on things, but students at a university should avoid doing that at all costs. If we do go with the flow on hot-button topics, it shows how ignorant and uneducated we can be. We give in and go with the flow on things because we think we understand all of the facts of the matter but we ultimately don’t. I think that as we come to acknowledge our ignorance and take a step back to evaluate the sources on our own, we can become better educated and informed individuals––the thing we are trying to accomplish in becoming as we go to college.

Burnt Out

For some reason, trying to write my research paper has me completely stumped. I don’t know what to do because I am very intrigued and interested in my topic, I am just having a hard time trying to pinpoint what I am going to argue. Then along with that, I need to find sources that will support my argument. I don’t really know why it has been so hard. My sister tells me it is because I am so burned out from pushing myself so much and stressing over too many things to count so it makes me hard to want to focus on school anymore. I do feel quite burned out, I just don’t know what to do to fix it. I mean, right now is not the time to feel burnt out. The end of the semester is when all of the final papers, projects, and exams are due and need to be taken. I personally don’t think that is the most effective or efficient way to do things. I think the learning should be a continuous process and shouldn’t have to be tested at the very end as a huge, weighted thing. I don’t know, it just makes things harder for me. I guess it is just the idea of putting so much on the last test, or the last project that kills me. Especially when there are so many different classes demanding your best work at the end but all at the same time. I don’t know. Maybe it is a lesson in time management or something, but I don’t think it is a smart thing to do.

Stumped

Seriously, right now I can write anything but my research paper. I don’t get what is wrong. I am super exited about my topic and all, but I just can’t discipline myself to write it out. I think it is because I haven’t fully figured out what I am arguing, so that is pretty important. I just need to think through what I want to argue. After reading over the article that got me originally interested on the subject of communities of knowledge, knowledge sharing, and how we all depend upon each other to learn things and spread and create knowledge, I have more ideas of what to write about. But it keeps leading back to the problem that I don’t know what to specifically argue. Gah. I think that talking about the knowledge sharing on campuses would be interesting, but I don’t know what I would argue there. Maybe how to best relay knowledge? Or if the use of technology is helpful or not? Or maybe I could talk about herd mentalities and when we begin to piggyback on other people’s ideas. But what is there to argue in that? Just when it would begin? Why it would begin? Why it is bad? 

I just need to figure this out soon because I need to send a draft to my peers. Oh gosh…

Cholula

Oh man, I have been wanting a cat really badly lately. Matisse recently showed me an Instagram video from a famous cat caretaker lady titled “Kitten Lady” with a little kitty cat at the Humane Society of Utah. (The Kitten Lady came to visit Utah for some cat convention or some collaboration with the Humane Society of Utah.) The cat in the video, Cholula, is a tabby mother cat that is large, fluffy and so lovey-dovey. The moment I saw the way she acted in the video, I thought of Cato, my kitty cat that had to be put down on Valentine’s Day last year. Cato was also a mother cat and was the most patient, loving, snuggly cat on planet earth. Seriously, though. She would let you pick her up whenever and would never struggle to get out of your arms. She would just sit there and snuggle with you for hours. She absolutely LOVED tummy rubs and was such an obedient kitty. So watching the video of Cholula brought back all of those sweet memories. I miss having Cato around so, so badly. She was the calm in my life. Her loving, unconditional snuggles were all you needed to have your day brighten. I just with I could get the kitty Cholula. I need some of that sweet, loving kitty-ness back in my life.

Mask Maker

I am an expert mask maker. All I wear is my craft. Everyone has seen me, but no one has seen me. But who is “me?” I don’t seem to know anymore. 

A side is shown to one. Another side, to another. Which is real? Aren’t they all? You are who you are by how you portray yourself to another, so is the “me” all of the sides? Can purpose be found in being so many? I don’t seem to know anymore.

People say not to limit yourself and to “be you.” Many hold no value is wearing many masks. So am I looked down upon? Am I not being me? Or is “me” diverse and changing? Doesn’t that hold value? I don’t seem to know anymore.

I suppose one can find value in something if it brings satisfaction. Am I satisfied with myself? I don’t know. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I look, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I don’t. Am I satisfied with that? Some view me as outgoing, but some view me as a shut-in. Am I satisfied with that? I don’t seem to know anymore.

Many say not to care what others say. But if I don’t care for what they say, who would I be? I don’t seem to know anymore.

Four Classes

I am freaking out about having to study for and take my final exams and do my final projects…I just cannot put into words how relieved I will be once this semester is finished though. I feel like the finish line is so close, yet so far, and that is what is killing me. I have sincerely enjoyed my classes this semester, but I am ready for them to be done. I just need a break. I need sleep again.

The funny thing is that whenever I tell other BYU students that I am taking four classes, they all tell me how lucky I must be for taking that few of classes. I mean what?! It just bugs me that even thought I might not be taking ten classes, I can still struggle with things. I have my own personal battles and complications, so judging whether or not I have it easy based off of how many classes I am taking is a little crazy, and quite frankly a bit shallow. It’s hard for me to have and “easy” time when I am not one hundred percent invested in all of the subjects I am taking and have a lot of things going on at home. I also get that there must be a lot of students who have crazy busy schedules, but I don’t think I should be written off as having an easy time just because I am taking four classes. I guess that is what I get for going to a prestigious school: being constantly surrounded by lots of crazy smart and academic people. Oh well, I suppose that there will always be people like that.

Biology

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I feel like I can’t make a lot of progress in choosing what to do because I keep second guessing my interests and ultimately my abilities to do well in what I choose to do. For example, for the longest time I thought it would be cool to do graphic design like my dad. But after having my graphic design job on campus, I don’t know if I could make it a career. It is definitely an enjoyable thing for me to do, but I don’t know if I could devote myself to it.

Currently, I am quite interested in Biology. Just the overall concepts of Biology intrigue me. After taking BIO 100 and enjoying it all, I am thinking of taking more Biology classes. Currently, I am signed up to take Environmental Biology in the Fall. I am super excited for that class; the teacher has really good ratings, the subjects the class will go over are fascinating, and I think it would be a cool way to see how useful it is to understand Biology in order to better understand our world. I just hope this class won’t turn into one of those classes where I think I will enjoy it, but then it turns out to be my least favorite class––that seems to have been the case this last semester. *sigh*

Change

I am always tired. I feel so burnt out all of the time. And the worst part of it all is that it will probably get worse as the end of the semester approaches. Bah. I just want this semester to be over and done with already. I am ready for my Spring/Summer break. So. Ready. I am especially ready to be able to get enough sleep and not turn into my version of Mr. Hyde late at night when I am stressed and working on school assignments. I need my sanity back. Please.

Before this semester ends, I think I might want to apply to a new job. Today I saw a job posting for a graphic designer position at the Family and Home Social Sciences office. They have much better pay than what I am currently receiving, I think they would be more artistically freeing, and I think a change of scenery could be good. I just never know if I should take chances on things like this and try something new and risky. But I guess nothing great comes from staying in your comfort zone. And I really have nothing to lose if I were to apply. So, we will have to see what the future holds.

Meet the Mormons

So, today we had an actual dinner guest. Lexi and Aaron moved back to Provo because Aaron took a job working for his friend since he started his own [successful] business. Currently there are only five employees, including Aaron. One of the employees, Nolan, moved from Boston to Provo in order to work with them. Nolan graduated from MIT with a degree in Mathematics and Statistics––crazy smart. He is also not a member of the church. And since he is new in town, he doesn’t have any friends. So Aaron invited him over to have dinner with us and have some friends to hang out with.

However, about an hour before Nolan showed up, Aaron coincidentally told me that he invited a friend to dinner. What?! The house was in disarray and I wasn’t sure that I prepared enough food to feed ten people. First we began to clean. Lex, Aaron, Chris, Mom and I were all cleaning up a storm. Amazingly, after about thirty minutes, the house looked quite spic and span. Usually it takes me about two hours to clean everything by myself, but it was wonderful to have help. Then Nolan arrived.

Remarkably, we had enough food. In fact, we had left overs. After dinner, we all decided to play the card game “Bang!”. Nolan had never played it before, so we taught him how, and I think he enjoyed it. It really was a delightful evening. I just hope we didn’t weird him out as we are some of the first Mormons he has ever met. But he was very gracious dinner guest, was fun to play the card game with, and even brought some ice cream to share. All in all, I think it was a successful night.

Cats on Leashes

Oh man, today Lexi and Aaron took their kitties outside on their leashes. I swear, their cats are some of the most domesticated cats I have ever known. Felix only lasted about ten minutes outside before running up to the door and running inside the house. Didot on the other hand, was quite curious. But she was easily frightened by any sound whatsoever. Whenever she got spooked, she ran to her favorite hiding place: under the prickly evergreen tree. It was terrible to try and get her out from under that tree. It is a small tree that is low to the ground, so trying to drag a terrified cat out from underneath can prove to be a nightmare. Especially when she wraps her leash all around the base of the tree. Goodness. Eventually, however, we got Didot out from under the tree, brushed the sharp needles off of her and went back inside.

Felix was funny in that the moment he got back inside, he ran to the litter box to relieve himself. I suppose the thought never crossed his mind that he could go to the bathroom outside…that crazy cat. Didot was a little bit shaken up, but she was fine. I just don’t think we will be taking them outside again any time soon.

Diversity

Today is March 31st, the last day of the month. Where has the time gone? Seriously, though. How is tomorrow already April 1st––the fourth month into the year. I mean, next month (May) is my birthday. That’s nuts.

Once I was done with work today, I was walking to pick up my graded sources paper, when I ran into Olivia (my sister). Naturally, as I was trekking across campus to get to the JKB, I was all business. I was walking quickly, looking at the ground, and then up at the occasional tree when all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye, someone walks up to me very closely and begins to follow me. I was a little bit creeped out, but looked up to see who it was. It was, in fact, my silly sister. She said she had also finished working for the week and was asking where I was going. I said I needed to pick up my paper, and so we went over together.

Walking home with Olivia was a nice change. We don’t sit down and just talk about things in general that often. So spending the fifteen minute walk home with her was refreshing. Olivia is a superb sister. While we don’t have all of the same interests, I am grateful that we are so different from each other. She has such different ideas than myself, so she helps me understand things in a different light––something that I treasure deeply. In fact, all of my siblings are very different from myself. But from our diversity, we learn in ways that we never could if we were all the same. Our different methods for doing things helps us all to appreciate the unique qualities of the individual. I can’t express how much I love my family. We are all different, but are all perfectly compatible.

Trusty Old Clock

In my family’s study, there is a clock. This clock has been, quite literally, hanging around four the past twenty years or more. It has been a sturdy, long-lasting old soul. That is, until about this last week. It gave up the ghost. The once trusty old clock has become a senile old clock. The weird part is that the pendulum keeps swinging, but the hands won’t move. The time has been stuck at 6:45 for the past week. I thought this was the end of old clock-y…until I noticed it just needed new batteries.

There are three types of people in the world: the poopers, the pointers, and the scoopers. Meaning, that there is the one who makes the mess, one who complains about it, and then the one who takes action solve the problem. All week, our family has been in “the pointers” category. Any time someone looked up to the clock to see what time it was, but then realized that it wasn’t working, they would complain. All week we acted this way. But on Saturday, we took action: we put double A batteries on the grocery shopping list.

Finally, we were able to put new batteries in, and the old clock had become trusty once again. But now the pendulum keeps hitting the side and making a “thunk” sound every second, literally. But I don’t want to fix it––I’m too lazy. I’ll just stick to being a pointer for now.

Philosophical Questions

Last night I decided think on a philosophical level. I posed multiple questions to myself, with the first one being: if the world is round, how does a leveler work? Deep, I know. But really, what is the science behind a leveler being level if we live on a round earth? I would like someone to explain it to me. Also, if you were to put something into a time capsule fifteen years ago, what would you put in? How do you even decide what would be important enough to put into a time capsule? And why do we value really old things or really new things? Why don’t we find the things in-between old and new to be fascinating enough? And why do we get bored? How is that a thing? What determines whether or not we decide ourselves to be feeling bored? Also, since no one on earth can completely comprehend and understand everything that exists, how can we be comfortable being so ignorant? When was it we passed the specific point from wanting to know, understand, discover, and invent everything to being content at not knowing everything? Or are we not content? And why does human hair absorb so much water? Isn’t that a counterproductive evolutionary trait? What good does absorptive hair do for us? I guess it can clean up the oil spills, but what else?

Sometimes I find myself confusing myself…

Why Sleep?

Why is sleep a thing? Why do our bodies get tired and need to rest for hours? Maybe we are meant to sleep so we can dream and think up things that are outside of our reality. Perhaps that type of creativity is crucial to our well-being. I think that a lot of inspiration can come from dreaming. And dreaming helps us escape our lives and create another world. Somewhere for us to escape to.

Or maybe we sleep so we can remember to say our prayers more often? Maybe sleep is just one way for us to better remember Christ.

…

Well, I just fell asleep while writing this post. How kairotic and ironic.

The idea that we rest, rejuvenate ourselves, and then keep going is really nice, though. We have a fresh start each day. I think it goes along well with the idea that when we repent, we have a chance to forget the sin and move on. I also think that if we were to never sleep, it would be harder to understand that we can restart, if we never actually had an instance of “restarting.” I’m not really sure, but maybe that is one reason we were created to sleep.

Spiritually Fed

I love the rain quite a lot. I love how vibrantly green everything becomes outside. The timing of the rain is also remarkable. I mean, not this last Saturday, but the one before, I was outside doing some yard work and noticed how dead our lawn was. I was feeling discouraged about it because our sprinkler system is down since we are trying to remodel our yards. And our water is also still turned off outside, so I felt hopeless in trying to help our yard come back to life. Having this rain pour down all week has been such a blessing. 

I am constantly amazed how the plants thrive from the rain that comes from the sky. God created the plants on the Earth so they don’t have to solely rely upon us mortals to take care of them. If that was the case, we would barely have any plants. Instead, God takes care of his creations consistently. While some plants only need water a few times a month, or even a few times a year, they need the water regardless. It’s interesting to compare our situation on the Earth with the plants. Nothing can thrive on this Earth without the consistent help from God. Just for us, we need to look for Him to be spiritually fed every day. Just like when Moses and the children of Israel were in the Wilderness and were fed by God with Manna every day, we need to be spiritually fed each day. This can be through daily scripture study and prayers. We can’t expect to thrive in our environment and go places by only looking to God a few times a year. God is always present, so we should be too.

Happier Times

Sometimes all I can think about is how badly I wish things could be back to the way they used to be. Just far back enough to have everyone from our family back here on earth. That would be great if time would simply reverse and I could be with my whole family again. But that is an unrealistic hope for this life. As I have mentioned before: I am grateful that time keeps moving forward. While I still have those days where I miss the “happier" parts of my life that included having my whole family together, I know that God has designed things for everyone to help us reach our highest potential. For some, reaching their highest potential includes having their whole family on earth, together, throughout their mortal life. For others, it is a different story. But the motives behind such events is the same: to help us become more like Christ and be the best we are capable of being.

Thinking back on what I have learned over the years, and who I have become today, I honestly don’t know who I would be if I didn’t experience the joys a pains I have felt so far. I seriously can’t comprehend it. At times, it can be extremely difficult to try and align my will with God’s, but I just need to have the faith that He is all-knowing and has marvelous things in store for me to do. I wonder why it is so hard, though. Why did God create us to be able to think for ourselves? Why give us agency? Especially when we, at times, think that we know better than God? Why create rebellious children who develop their own logic––logic that carries a high chance of denying Him? I believe that God created us this way in order to let us discover the truths of the Gospel for ourselves and become truly converted to Him. Understanding this reasoning, and then thinking about the amount of faith God has in us is astounding. So the least we can do is have faith in Him.

Kickstarter

So, today I decided to do something out of the blue: I decided to back a project on Kickstarter.

Sitting at the kitchen bar tonight, I thought I would go see what Kickstarter had to offer. I was browsing around, until I came upon a project titled: Eat Offbeat: The Cookbook. I was intrigued, so naturally I watched the video. It turns out that a few refugees, from all over the world, decided to make a cookbook of their families’ greatest recipes. These chefs, who were only home cooks back in their home country, came to New York and were professionally trained to work as real, restaurant chefs. Then they decided to make a cookbook with a lot of their recipes—recipes that have been handed down in their families for generations and that haven’t been written down. I honestly cannot tell you how excited I am to get this cookbook. I have been wanting to have my own, real cookbook for forever (since the only cookbook that I had ever purchased before was when I was eight and it was a Disney child’s cookbook––naturally it didn’t offer that much). The only downside is that I will receive the recipe book next year. But I guess that is the norm with all of the Kickstarter projects: to take a while to fulfill the promises made to the backers. Nonetheless, I can’t wait until March 2018.

The Good Times

For my Book of Mormon oral midterm, my group talked about how easy it was for the Nephites to go from prospering in the land, to becoming prideful and ultimately forgetting God. It’s an interesting trend in the Book of Mormon: the people go from experiencing some of the hardest, most humbling trials, and coming closer to God, to doing well in a worldly sense and ignoring God: the one who blessed them. The funny thing is that I would smirk at them, thinking, “they are ridiculous. Why can’t they just be grateful and always remember God?” However, I am a hypocrite for thinking that.

There have been countless times in my life where God has blessed me so generously, but I never fully thanked Him. I would get caught up in the moment and think that since things are going well, there is no need to call upon God. But that is a huge mistake. God isn’t only there for the hard times, He wants to be there with you to celebrate the big accomplishments along with the little victories. He is the one who has given you your understanding of happiness and joy, so why wouldn’t He be there during the happier times too?

Christ is happiness, joy, and love. It’s sometimes easier to find Him when things get hard, because His genuine desire for our happiness and well being is what helps get us out of those depressing times. He is the solution. I guess it’s just easier to recognize His goodness when it’s juxtaposed with all of the agonizing life events. But we shouldn’t forget that He is also the one who celebrates our accomplishments with us––both the big and little accomplishments. I can’t express how grateful I am to have a loving, caring God watching over me. One who understands my pains and helps me work through my feelings, but also one who understands my joy and rejoices with me. I just hope that I will be better at remembering where my blessings came from, and thank Him for being with me in the good times too.

Ramblings III

Hi there. I don’t know what to say, so this will be a rambling post…

March is nearly over. I can’t believe how fast time flies by. My school work load is pretty average at this point in the semester. The rain is great. Smelling the fresh air is a wonderful blessing. There is some construction going on today down the street. The sidewalk is blocked off, so I have to walk to school on the other side of the street. I don’t think I could ever be a good construction worker. I’m not skilled in that type of craft. I just respect any one who chooses to be a construction worker. Really though.

Well…this is dragging on. I still can’t think of anything that great to share. All I am doing is writing whatever pops into my head. For example, I just randomly thought of Brick Oven. I don’t know why, but I did. As a child, my family and I used to get pizza there every Friday night when Mom and Dad would go our for their date night. Apparently it was a big deal for my older sisters to sign for the pizza from the delivery man. They recently told me how nervous they would get opening the door, making small talk, signing the receipt, and taking the pizza. I can’t blame them though. I stress out too easily whenever I talk to people. So I normally don't say that much…

Any who, that is all.

Motherhood

I feel no shame in wanting to be a mother some day. Many look down upon the idea, but they should really respect the women who choose that path. Living in the world today, it is so easy to be concerned about your own wants and needs, and not look beyond yourself. Worldly matters can seem more important than anything else at times. However, I am not saying that I disrespect the women who choose not to have children, I just feel they are missing out on a precious opportunity.

When you think about it, Heavenly Father has given women this amazing gift to create other humans and bring them into their mortal experience. These spirits, who were just residing with Heavenly Father, are put into your care. You are trusted enough to take care of one of Heavenly Father’s beloved children. I don’t know about you, but being given that much trust and respect from Heavenly Father makes me beam with joy, but also humbles me. So many times I have planned out my future to be just a career with only me and my future husband. It makes sense to plan for easier things, but that leaves behind so much undiscovered happiness––depths of love you won’t be able to reach.

For the women who try to have children but cannot: they can still partake in the blessings of having children. Whether they adopt children here on earth, or wait until the next life, Heavenly Father has meticulously planned things out for them so they can experience the joy that comes from parenting.

I am grateful for the blessing it is to be a woman, and I hope that some day I will be trusted enough to raise children of my own.

Time

I cannot tell you how many times I have wished to have the power to pause time. There have been so many instances where I have had a huge list of things I needed to get done, but barely had any time to do it. Or, I would forget to do something important, or I would be too tired to finish a big project, or I would be just a few minutes late to something…the list could go on forever. I’m sure we have all felt the desire to halt time and do things we needed, or wanted to do. But thank goodness we can’t. I say this because if I could actually pause time, I doubt I would do all of the things that would need doing. Or I could see myself pausing time for so long to do useless tasks that ultimately are not worth it. I feel like I would become easily exhausted doing things during the paused time that I wouldn’t want to keep going when time would start back up again. I believe that there are more disadvantages than advantages to having the power to pause time. I am grateful that God designed things to be this way, because I believe that we only progress by constantly moving forward. Life is to be lived in the moment, and is not to be stopped to try and complete frivolous tasks that ultimately have no purpose in the eternities. I rejoice in the fact that time keeps going, that I keep living life, and that God is there to help fix any problems that time won’t stop for.

Pure

Today was my Grandma White’s 86th birthday! She is about as close as you can get to feeling the pure love of Christ on this earth from another mortal. I simply know that when Heavenly Father sent her forth to serve her mission here on earth, He had miraculous plans laid out for her. While the plans may not have been to be a successful, famous, known-to-the-world individual, He sent her forth to to be a shining example of his love, grace, humility, and to ultimately bring others to Christ through her good works.

I cannot express how grateful I am to have her as my grandma. Any time I go to visit her, she is never caught up in the worldly matters, but it is as if she has a second sight: sight to see the bigger picture––to see the eternities. Never will she share a negative, pessimistic thought, opinion, or judgement. She only ever points out the prevalent, but sometimes hard for us to see, truth and light. We all need someone like Grandma White, I believe. They are the individuals who help keep you going down the right path that ultimately leads you back home.

Keep Going

Today I briefly visited my breaking point. I froze with fear, anxiety, despair, and grief. I felt that God had forgotten who I was, and how much I could handle. All I knew to do was cry, wish I was living an easier life, and want to erase my memory, my responsibilities, my purpose––I was done with it all. I didn’t want to be fatherless any longer. I didn’t want to be working two jobs. I didn’t want to carry the responsibility of being my mother’s caretaker. I didn’t want to have to go to school. I didn't want to have to worry about finances. I didn’t want to have to worry about my social life, or lack thereof. I didn’t want to live the life I was living any more. I just didn’t want it.

But that is where I completely missed the mark.

God didn’t give me an easy life because smooth sailing makes for an inexperienced sailor. All my life I have constantly been praying to want to develop Christ-like qualities. But ultimately, I have shut out anything that would help me do just that. I have wanted to develop compassion like my mother and integrity like my father, but I have failed to notice how to get there: to experience life for what it is. I have come to realize that God has not only been answering my prayers, but making something greater out of me than what I can comprehend––something greater than what I could ever hope to pray for. All I need to do is let God guide my ship, and be thankful that someone who knows the seas––who actually created them––is steering my life to be the best darn thing I could ever hope for.

I’ve shed my tears, so now it’s time to keep going.

Unique

Thinking about the individual is mind-blowing. It’s interesting to think that while you grow up in the same conditions as your siblings, you are all completely different from each other. How does that happen? Why do we develop our own likes and interests? How can we be unique in a world with over 7 billion people on the earth?

Many of us develop similar interests, but no one has the exact same everything. Even thinking about school, no one has the exact same schedule as me. How does that happen? Why do we develop our own interests––how is it possible to develop into a unique individual?

The even crazier thing is that God knows everyone. He remembers everything that is unique to each of us. He really does know us better than we know ourselves. And it’s amazing that He didn’t make it easier for himself by creating a few traits to apply to everyone. Rather, He created us to all differ and be 100% original. I truly appreciate that fact: that He lets us be our own person. That He doesn’t limit us by who we can be just to make things simpler for himself. And I even more appreciate the fact that He puts in the effort to have a personal, one-on-one relationship with each of us. It’s truly amazing.

Good Reads

Yesterday my family and I all went over to Barnes and Noble. Originally, I was just planning to go over with Matisse quickly to get a book I was interested in reading, but everyone decided to come along––which I do not mind at all. The book I wanted to get is “The Knowledge Illusion,” written by Steven Sloman and Phil Fernbach. It is a psychology-type book that talks about how we individually cannot know everything and are not always as smart as we think we are. Instead, the majority of our knowledge comes from society as a whole; we all collaborate together and share our knowledge on the few subjects we are experts in. I just started reading it today and I have found it really quite fascinating.

However, while I was at the book store, I saw another book titled “Subliminal,” written by Leonard Moldinow. Along with the title, it reads, “how your unconscious mind rules your behavior.” I also thought this would be a riveting read, so I decided to get it too. I haven’t started reading it yet, but I think I might just need to. It looks so good, that I just can’t resist not reading it right now. Here’s to reading over the weekend!

Pink Petunias

Planting the pink petunias in Spring with Dad was one of my favorite things to do. It was always a wonderful surprise to have Mom and Dad show up at home after one of their date nights or after grocery shopping with the pink beauties. It always signified to me that I could spend some quality time with my family, but more especially, with Dad. And this time was not only time spent together, but time that brought beauty to our home and appreciation for the changing seasons and all that God has created for us.

Every year, we would re-plant the flowers. And every year they would begin small, but grow into these glorious pink bushes that would attract all of the butterflies and bees. Watching the flowers become something so beautiful and established would constantly remind me of God’s handiwork. Paraphrasing what President Eyring said, God’s creations are like little love notes. God didn’t have to create a beautiful Earth for us, but He chose to just so we could always remember His goodness and have a daily renewal of hope––hope that something about this life we are living is marvelous. God is so good, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

Arrived

Today Lex and Aaron arrived! It is seriously the best thing to have them back. Now Sunday dinner will have nine people, instead of seven. I love it when the whole table is crowded with everyone, and we all simply talk about whatever is on our minds. Honestly, Sunday is the day I look forward to every week. And now that Lex and Aaron are back, Sunday is even better.

I am seriously amazed that they made the long 2,300 mild rive from Boston with both of their cats in the car. I mean, who can live to tell that tale? When Lex and Aaron arrived home, they brought their kitties in the house and let them loose for a little bit. I could just tell that they were so grateful to get out of that ity-bity cat carrier. It was exciting to have some cats back home ever since Cato had to be put down. Didot ran upstairs and hid behind my bed next to the window to have some peace and quite, and took a nap. Felix was lumbering around the house trying to find her, so I can’t blame her for wanting to get away for a little bit.

All in all, I am very excited that Lex and Aaron––and their kitties––are back.

Balloons

Oh boy, this morning Matisse took me over to campus early in order to decorate Mark’s office (her old Russian professor and dear friend). Yesterday we went over to Zurchers to get some balloons, confetti, and streamers. She had planned to put some of the confetti in the clear balloons, blow them up, and fill his office with them along with some other solid colored balloons. She also wanted to put streamers everywhere.

So, we went over this morning to his office, but since we didn’t have a key, we had to ask the secretary to open his office for us. However, the secretary said it was necessary that she had to stay with us and couldn’t leave us alone in his office. So, we put her to work to help us blow up the balloons by mouth. Surprisingly, I didn’t get that light headed.

We sat there for about 20 minutes decorating his office and blowing up balloons. Matisse was texting his wife to make sure he wouldn’t be going to his office around the time we would be there, so we felt confident we would get away with it. However, after blowing up a million balloons, I glanced down the hall and spotted him! I told Matisse, and we booked it out of there. He most likely saw us, but we abandoned everything, closed the door, and ran down the hall around a corner. We waited a few seconds and heard him open his office door. He was amazed and kind of embarrassed. All of the other Russian professors were there and were celebrating, and laughing with him. It was a sight to see. After a couple of minutes, we went to go say “hi” and wish him a happy birthday. It was a shame we didn’t get away in time, but I think it was still a successful surprise.

Life Lately

I don’t have a lot to say today.

Lex and Aaron have been driving for the past little while. They are supposed to be here by Wednesday. I don’t know how they do it driving with two cats all the way across the country. They have to travel 2,300 miles in an old (and not particularly reliable) PT cruiser. However, they have made it this far (to Nebraska so far), so I think they should be safe in making the rest of the trip.

Tonight I made some cupcakes for Matisse’s old Russian professor’s birthday tomorrow. However, they didn’t work because I forgot about them in the oven (since I was distracted by dancing to the La La Land soundtrack with Chris and Mati) and they got a bit crispy. Pook. The recipe looked promising; I just wish they would have worked. Oh well.

Well…I have been doing a lot of cleaning around the house. I spent about two hours cleaning up the kitchen after last night’s dinner. I love making Sunday dinner for everyone, but I should think about not using so many pans next time. However, dinner was delicious, so I think it was well worth it.

Procrastination

I am feeling stress right now. Probably just because I am tired right now, but I do feel intimidated by everything I need to do. For some reason whenever I am tired, I get grumpy and/or stressed. (Especially if I fall asleep on the study couch, or something, and someone tries to wake me up from my slumber.) My problem is that a lot of the time I procrastinate a lot of my homework assignments until late at night. Not all of them, but usually most of them, especially since I have had a lot of things going on lately. Whenever I do my homework later at night, and if I do it too late, I become a “Negative Nelly.” Or as Matisse describes my nighttime transformation: I turn into my form of Mr. Hyde. I honestly can’t disagree with that. I really can become grumpy and have a give-up attitude on the homework I would be working on, or become grumpy and not want to wake up. At all.

My dilemma right now is that I still have things I need to finish for tomorrow, but it is so late and I need to get up early to give Mom her antibiotics. Oy. At least I took a nap today…

Cats and Cars

So, long story:

Alexis and Aaron began to drive back home today. They had this awesome road trip planned out to go touring though a lot of states. It was an awesome plan. Before the road trip, they drove over to the airport to put Felix and Didot on a plane to Salt Lake City Airport (since road tripping with two cats in a PT Cruiser would be heck). They dropped them off at 4:45 am, and then finished getting ready for the trip ahead. After a few hours, the airport called and said there was a “weight imbalance” on the plane and that they would not take the cats. What?! They decided to reschedule the plane trip to 2:00 pm, but by the time the plane would reach the SLC airport, the animal division at the airport would be closed. And they are also closed on Sunday, so Lex and Aaron would have to wait until Monday to put their cats on a plane. That wasn’t worth it. So, Lex and Aaron decided to road trip with their cats across the country.

Lex and Aaron had to cut out a few trips along the way, since the cats wouldn’t want to stay in the car that long. Their goal for today would be to make it to Niagra Falls, a seven hour drive. Dang. They also left pretty late in the day, so they will arrive at 2:00 am. Hopefully all is going well.

Lemons

Lemons are my favorite. Lemon flavored anything is my top choice in food, too. I absolutely love lemon bars, lemon drops, lemon cookies, lemonade, lemon pasta and lemon anything!

At first, I didn’t really like lemons that much. When Matisse would make her lemon bars, I thought they were disgusting––this citrus, gooey, seemingly under baked “dessert” did not seem worthy to be a dessert. However, one day I actually decided to try it with an open mind, and I loved it! Ever since then, lemon flavored anything has been my favorite.

My all-time favorite dessert now is lemon bars, too. Tonight I decided to make some lemon cookies instead, since I had a sweet tooth. Naturally, I searched on Pinterest for a highly rated recipe (because any bad lemon dessert recipe could go South quickly). I eventually found these delicious-looking, highly rated, simple lemon cookies. Since I spent the evening with my Mom, I decided to try and make them. And oh my goodness, I am so glad that I did. These are some of the best cookies I have ever made. They are so light and fluffy, yet dense and rich. The lemon flavoring is perfectly balanced, I couldn’t have been more pleased. This is one recipe to save for the future.

Cato

Today I have been missing my cat like crazy. She had to be put down on Valentine’s Day last year because she had a tumor in her stomach which was causing her terrible amounts of pain.

She went through a lot of names at first, but Cato eventually stuck. She went thought having the names Kitty and Eclipse. However, she always had her nicknames Cato baby, snookie pie, snuggle muffin, sweetie, snookums, putty, pusser, and so many more. I couldn't get enough of her. She was the most calm, gentle, loving cat you could ever have. She had three litters of kittens before we got her fixed––our bad. But I am so glad we decided to keep her after adopting out the kittens. Mother cats are always so gentle, patient, and loving. Cato would love it whenever we would rub her tummy. At least once a week we would hold these “snuggle sessions” where we would bring her inside––she was an outside cat––and pour out our love for her. We would flop her on her back and give her tummy rubs (which she loved), play with her, scratch her chin until she drooled, kiss her, and just indulge in all of the kitty goodness for about an hour.

We had Cato for about 10 years. She appeared on our doorstep one day and we gave her a spoon of butter. Then she kept coming back every day. Then she decided to have a litter of kittens in our window well on Mother’s Day. That was an awesome day. My little child heart couldn’t handle all of the cuteness and love. Before we had Cato, we hadn’t had a cat for years since Mom is terribly allergic. So going from wishing and begging for a cat to having one randomly appear and have kittens just about killed me with happiness.

The day we had to put her down was one of the worst days of my life. I held her in my lap at the vet. She was whimpering from the pain felt in her stomach. I couldn’t handle to see her suffer. After seeing Dad an Spencer suffer from the pain they went through, I couldn’t handle it. The vet came into the room after giving us some time alone, and then she injected Cato with the shot that would gently put her to sleep. It was truly heartbreaking to hold Cato in her last moments on this earth. Watching as her little head drooped onto my lap is still so present in my memory. I love that cat, and I always will. I just hope I will be able to meet her, and Dad, and Spencer when I go to heaven. That will be the best reunion ever.

National Women's Day

Today has been a day of cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. Once I got home, I just started to clean. Sometimes all I need to do to relieve my stressed mind is to clean, cook, or do laundry. It simply numbs my nerves. I also administered antibiotics to Mom as according to the schedule. I also made Mom some lunch and dinner. She said she really liked what I made, so that made me feel happy that I could make something yummy. At the hospital, some of their food was bland, so she didn’t really like it. I’m just glad I am helpful to Mom now that she is back home.

Today was also National Women’s Day! Apparently this holiday is really big in Russia, so in my Russian class my teacher gave flowers and candies to all of the girls. It honestly made my day. I felt pretty special carrying around a flower all day, too. I am grateful for all of the amazing women in my life. Just as I was texting my visiting teacher, the mom in my ward I help every week, my sisters, and my mom I felt overwhelmed with gratitude. They are all such good people. I thank God everyday that they are in my life.

Medicine

Tonight Chris got accepted to the advertising program!!! I am so excited for him! He has been waiting for this day for quite a while, so it has been such a relief and a joy. To celebrate, Chris, Olivia, Britny (our cousin) and I all went to Yogurtland. I haven’t been to Yogurtland in quite a while, so this was a nice time go back. Gosh, I am just so happy and excited for Chris. I know he will do an amazing job.

It was nice because today I got a nap in. Since Mom has been back from the hospital, they have her taking two antibiotics everyday. I am the “certified nursing assistant” at home, so I administer the antibiotics to Mom. The first one has to be given every twelve hours and it takes 3-5 minutes of sitting there and slowly injecting it. The other one needs to be given every eight hours, and it takes an hour to administer it. So, I give them to her at 7:00am, 7:15am, 3:15pm, 7:15pm, and 11:15pm. It’s hard because the ones given at 7:15am, 3:15pm, and 11:15pm take an hour. This means that I give her the one at 11:15pm, have to wait until 12:15am to end it, but then have to giver her her next one at 7:00am (a.k.a. I am always really tired now). I am always happy to help Mom, but this will be a bit tricky around finals week with me being tired and all. But hey, she is doing well, and I am okay, so things will work out.

Ramblings II

I don’t know what to talk about. So I am just going to ramble. Ramble ramble ramble.

Today’s weather was chilly. The snow just came out of nowhere. Sunday’s wind was especially crazy. Everything on our back porch flew off and went down with large bangs. It was quite frightening. But the forecast looks promising. However, my brother told me there is probably going to be even more snow. I am really happy we are able to have a record-breaking amount of snow this year, but I am ready for spring. I am ready to break out the short sleeves, shorts, eat dinner outside, go on evening bike rides, watch movies in the yard, go camping and do so many other things. However, I am not looking forward to Daylight Savings. That is this Sunday. Yuck.

So…school is going well. Russian is really challenging still, but it’s fun. So far, I think I’ve enjoyed my Biology class from last semester the most. Something about that class just felt right. I honestly don’t know if I want to major in Biology, but I have enjoyed it all of the different times I have taken it. We will just have to see what the future holds.

Happy Birthday Spencer!

Happy 30th birthday Spencer! I can’t believe it’s been nearly five years since you left us. While I can’t say I had the closest relationship with you––since there is an 11 year difference between us––I miss you like crazy.

I remember when you were sick and were given six months to live; that was the time we began to grow closer. I used to come in and read some of my favorite children’s chapter books to you. I apologize for my young taste in literature (with me being 14 and all). But thank you for bearing through it with me. Sharing those peaceful moments with you in your bedroom reading my favorite books to you is something that I will always cherish. I am sorry I was never that consistent with visiting you each day and reading to you. I still feel guilty about that: you being bed ridden and I never kept my promises to come read every day. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive me for that naive mistake.

Growing up I always remember you being so meek, humble, soft-spoken, but being a never-ending pit of service, love, and charity. I looked up to you more than you could ever know. I feel like I hit the jackpot in heaven with you being my older brother. Heavenly Father gave me an amazing example to follow, so thank you. You showed me how to come closer to my Savior and live life the way God would have you. You were always willing to submit to God’s plan. Your courage during your trials was inspiring. Your peace amidst the storm of life seemed to come from a higher understanding. Thank you for all you have done for me, Spencer. I can’t wait to reunite with you in heaven and continue getting to know you.

Coming Home

Well, Mom is coming home today. We still haven’t gotten a recliner, but hopefully we will soon.

I just got back from helping Sam and Myrtle move their furniture into their new apartment. The apartment is quite nice: it is large, is cheaper than most married housing, has good windows, has a fresh coat of paint, and is super close to campus (like two blocks away).

I still can’t believe they are going to get married in May. It’s such a crazy thought: my little Sambo getting himself married and moved out (let alone, this being his first ever relationship). However, as I have mentioned before, I am so ready to have his bike out of the kitchen! Mainly because it takes up a lot of room, but also because he get tire skid marks everywhere. And since Mom is coming home today, Chris and I need to make sure that all of the floors in the house are especially clean. We can’t afford for any infection to get into Mom’s healing foot. That would be a nightmare. (Side note: the infection that got into Mom’s toe wasn’t anything unusual. The doctor said that it was just the bacteria that is usually on your skin, so Mom could have gotten the infection in the tub, walking around on the floors, etc.)

Well, I need to go finish revising my Op-Ed and email it before 1:40. And I need to finish mopping, cleaning the bathroom, and tidying up the house. (If the house isn’t clean enough when the nurse comes with Mom, then Mom will have to stay in a different facility for six weeks. Mom doesn’t want to do that so the pressure is on the clean up the house.)

Recliners

Today Matisse and I were going to all of the furniture stores we could think of trying to find an electric recliner that would lay flat but also push you out of the seat. Mom is coming home tomorrow and since she has recently had an amputation, she cannot put ANY pressure on her foot. Meaning, that she won't be able to go up or down the stairs very easily, so she will be sleeping downstairs for six weeks. So, she need a comfortable recliner that will lay flat to sleep but will also help her out of the chair.

First Mati and I went to Hank’s and Son’s––a family owned business in Springville. They had quite a few recliners but they only had 4 that would push you out of the chair. The one that laid the most flat and would push you out of the chair was the most expensive one and by far the ugliest one. The design of recliners is an abomination. I mean, is it that hard to create a good looking recliner?! Come on people!

Then we headed over to RC Wiley. They had a lot of options, but they cost an arm and a leg and only one did the things we needed––and it was still hideous. So then we went to Ashley Furniture. They simply didn’t have any recliners that did the things we needed. Bah.

In the end, we didn’t get any recliner. We will have to get one on Saturday––the day Mom comes back. ):

Physical Science

Physical Science. Physical Science. Physical Science. Why dost thou hate me? Why hast thou treated me so poorly? Why art thou so hard to comprehend?

Thy tests are like a fools errand unto me. I hath no chance for victory. While I take thy test, my hopes rise like the morning sun––I feel as though there is a chance for prosperity on the horizon. However, after grieving through mine trial of taking thy tests, I find that my scores stinketh. What blasphemy is this? Why dost thou give false pretenses of success? Why dost thou taunt me? How art thou able to sleep come nightfall?

Oh the pain and anguish thou dost cause me! The torture! The horror! The distress of my soul! If only thou hast known of the grieving induced slumber I have undergone every gloomy night! There is no rest for the souls of the students enrolled in thy course! No peace! No sense of achievement! Only weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth! The renting of garments! The cries of agony! Oh the despair!

Why dost thou haunt me? Why hast thou come knocking at my chamber door? I look forward to the day when I finish my dealings with thee and will have to think of thee nevermore!

Cats and Planes

So, Lexi and Aaron are coming back on the 18th of this month. No wait…I can’t remember now…oh, yes––they are. They are going to road trip from Boston Massachusetts to Utah in a week. It is such a long drive, so they decided that they are just going to drive in their own little car and make stops along the way. They are planning to have the movers move their things separately. I love road trips, so I am really jealous about all of the different activities they have planned.

Lex and Aaron’s cats––Felix and Didot––are not going to be in the car with them (thank goodness––can you imagine trying to drive across country with two full grown cats in a small PT Cruiser for a week? It would be a nightmare). Instead, they are going to fly them over on a plane back to Utah before they leave on their trip. Matisse and I are supposed to go pick them up at the airport on the 11th. The last time Lex and Aaron moved to Boston, they were also road tripping so they had me and Matisse drop off their cats at the airport to be flown over to them once they had arrived. It was heartbreaking to hear their little nervous meows when we were driving them to the airport. Lex said that Didot was paralyzed with fear and was hiding under her blanket when they picked them up at the airport in Boston. I just hope they are okay going on another airplane.

But oh man, I am SO excited for Lex and Aaron to move back!!!

Mom

Today Mom got her second big toe on her left foot amputated.

She has had diabetes for a little under ten years now and her legs and feet have been suffering the most with open wounds that take a long time to heal. A while ago, her legs had blisters develop and she had to eventually go to the wound center to try and help them heal. After a few weeks of going there, on top of her left foot, some severe blisters developed. They were so sever that the blisters on her second big toe went all the way to her bone. This is where the blister got an infection in her toe.

I’ve been helping Mom dress her wounds every day ever since she has been going to the wound clinic. They wrap her legs, which stay wrapped until the next visit, but they have me redress the foot blisters every day to keep it clean. I’ve enjoyed helping Mom in this way. But I just have the inkling that I might have been one of the causes for the infection in her toe. I feel so paranoid thinking I wasn’t sanitary every time I redressed her wounds. Everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault, but I would feel awful if it was me that caused her to lose her toe.

After spending the majority of the day with Mom, she seems to be doing well considering all that’s happened. She has been in good spirits and has been looking on the bright side of things. I am simply astounded at how brave and strong Mom is. She is absolutely resilient. After losing her son, her husband and now her toe, she still never forgets her Savior. Just knowing Mom, I feel like I know what Heavenly Mother must be like.

Mati

Today is Matisse’s birthday. She turned 25! Matisse is the best big sister, ever. Seriously. I look up to her in everything. She is the one that I turn to when I need help with any design projects because she is such an astounding designer. She is also my best travel buddy. Especially for road trips. Just last semester we drove to Canada together for a Dostoevsky conference at the University of Vancouver. Road tripping with your best friend is one of the best things you can do. While the conference was pretty boring (the scholarly lectures were next to impossible to follow), we had an amazing time in Canada. That was the first time I ever went to Canada. It was also my first time getting a passport. Oh man, such good memories. It was weird though because we went to a park with a lot of hiking trials, we randomly ran into her ex-boyfriend. Of all of the places in the world, at that exact moment we ran into her ex-boyfriend. We weren’t too stoked about that, but the hike we went on was very pleasant.

Matisse is just the best. She makes impulse decisions and lives life. Seriously though, the trip to Canada was a spur of the moment trip, but is one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I feel so fortunate to be Matisse’s sister––she makes life exciting.

Positivity

One of the hardest things to do in life is to stay positive. It’s just hard. Since we aren’t perfect, we can easily point out our flaws. In fact, we find faults in ourselves too easily. It seems easier to do than to point out our strengths.

With all of the challenges that come with life, it is a much easier option to want to shrivel up, become a recluse, and not want to do anything. Hiding from our problems seems like an easy way to go. But ultimately, it benefits us nothing.

While we all naturally have the Light of Christ in us, we often forget about how natural being good can be. We become so polluted from the influences of the world that we think choosing the negative, bad choices is the easier route. The more natural route.

I guess that being good is so much harder because it means we are reaching perfection––something we don’t naturally do as mortals. God knows we struggle with this on a daily basis. So naturally he gives us more challenges. More challenges to bring out our natural goodness that is inside of us all. It’s just hard to realize who we really are as spirit sons and daughters of God. But through these earthly trials, we come to better know who we and God are, breaking the cycle of the natural man and realizing our potential in achieving perfection.

Plans

Well, it turns out that Sam won’t be moving out in March after all. Dang it. I sound like a bad sister––I do love my brother, but it just would have been nice to help him move all of his things out. Oh the clean spaces we would have had! I guess it will happen eventually––my plans are just going to have to be put on hold.

In other news, when Lex and Aaron will move back in March, they will be staying in our next door neighbors’ basement apartment until their current house sitters will find another place to live. It’ll be really fun to have them live next door for once. The Yorks are some of the best friends we have; they are so generous, caring, genuine and just such wholesome people.

Welp…I don’t have a lot to say today…

This morning I broke the record for the longest I have ever slept in. I suppose that my body was just so exhausted from this last week that it need to have an intense recuperation. I ended up sleeping in until 2:00 pm. I feel sheepish even saying that. I just hope that this next week will be a better week for sleep.

Introverted

College is challenging, but good. I am very grateful that I am able to go to BYU and receive an education here. I just never imagined how difficult it could be at times.

I am not a social person. I want to be, but I always clam up. I have always struggled with making friends, speaking up, sharing comments in my classes, or really just talking to any groups of people. However, if ever I am in a small group of other quiet people, I usually thrive. I just can’t handle being in a large social classroom setting where I am required to talk or am looked at as strange for never saying anything. The worst part is when someone points out that I haven’t made a comment yet. Whenever they say that, it’s “thank you captain obvious.” Why do so many people feel the need to point out the introverts and make them feel uncomfortable? If I ever feel the pressing need to share my opinion, I will. But there is not benefit in talking if it is all mindless babble.

It is especially hard for me when the teacher grades me on my participation (a.k.a. whether or not I talk). It’s challenging to be an introvert in an extroverted classroom. However, while I don’t say much in class, I am still learning. I learn by listening in class. Not many teachers, or students, understand that.

Being extroverted is one way to learn and being introverted is another. Everyone needs to take a chill pill and realize that while introverts might not be the most vocal or outgoing all of the time, they are still learning and progressing but just in a different way. Being extroverted is not the only way to live life. I wish more people understood that.

Lex and Aaron

Today Alexis announced that she and Aaron are moving back to Provo!!! And they will be moving back next month!!! For the past while Aaron has been looking for a job. He has considered taking jobs that are located in places like California, Florida, and Spain. I seriously thought they would go to the job in California, but it turns out that Aaron’s friend from school has a new business that is doing really well. He offered Aaron a promising job and so now they are coming back to their home in Provo.

I am especially excited that Lex and Aaron are coming back because now whenever they will have kids, they will have family around to help. I love little kids and I have offered multiple times to babysit their kids whenever they need. Oh man, just the thought of me becoming an aunt sounds so wonderful. Since I am the youngest in the family and don’t have any younger siblings, I never got to enjoy being a big sister. However, I have babysat the most out of my sisters (and still do) and one of my current jobs is being a mother’s assistant, so I do have good experience with little kids and babies. I just really want a niece or nephew because then I don’t have to feel so self-conscious whenever I am around someone else’s baby who is not family. All in all, I am super excited that they are moving back!

Russian Test

I’ve said this so many times before, but I am saying it again: Russian is hard. It is hard for me to stay focused on learning the language when I don’t have a mission I need to learn it for or that I have a specific purpose in mind for why I am wanting to learn it.

My sister Matisse was the one who encouraged me to take Russian. I signed up to have one of her favorite professors (really all of the Russian faculty are her favorite). Russian 101 was simple and fun. It was an interesting intro into Russian. But Russian 102 now is when the honeymoon is over. Things are beginning to get serious and now is the time when you decide if you want to continue doing it or not. I honestly don’t know if I want to, though.

Tomorrow is my Russian oral test. I can’t speak that well so I am really nervous. For some reason, when it comes to learning Russian, my mind blanks on everything. When I was learning Spanish and French, I could remember things easily. It felt so much simpler speaking both of those languages too. I just hope that as I practice speaking Russian more, things will come more easily. I hope I will be able to remember what case endings are needed in specific situations and just that I can simply understand what the person is saying. I feel like I am going at a snails’ pace. Not even a turtle that when it goes slow and steady it wins the race, but rather a snail. Who knows when it will win the race––if it ever does.

Lotion

Over the past year I have come to appreciate lotion. I used to despise putting the buttery slippy slime on my skin, but now I apply it almost every day. 

I suppose that my love and appreciation for lotion began last spring when my aunt gave me a tube of lotion from Bath and Body Works after helping her with one of her college assignments. Usually whenever someone gives me scented lotion, I think it smells good the first time I smell it but then I grow to despise it after a couple of uses. However, this lotion she gave me has been my all-time favorite. I actually used up the whole tube which is really rare for me.

Before I discovered the magical effect of lotion, I never used it. Ever. As a result, I always had really dry skin. My hands were especially dry and cracked during the winter. Every year it would be so bad that my hands would itch, crack and bleed. It became a commonality for me each year. But now I apply lotion every time I shower.

It’s funny how when I think I really despise something, it turns out becoming one of my favorite things.

Talking

Sitting around and talking with my siblings about any topic that comes to mind is simply the best. We usually sit and talk the most on either holidays or during Sunday dinner each week.
We start the conversation by talking about how our days went and then go from there. We follow any new topic that is presented in the conversation.

Today, one interesting topic of conversation we came across was the genetic skin condition we all have. The condition is called Keratosis Pilaris. According to Wikipedia, it “is a common, autosomal dominant, genetic follicular condition characterized by the appearance of rough, slightly red bumps on light skin and brown bumps on darker skin.” I never knew that this skin condition we all had was genetic, but it finally all makes sense. Apparently, it is supposed to fade away when you are around the age of 30. Also, exfoliating is supposed to help it not be as noticeable.

Today, we also talked about what kinds of music we like. We reminisced about when we first had our iPods and the first music we listened to (I had the gold brick iPod in 1st grade and was the only first grader who had one––how the times have changed). All of the music I had on my iPod was from Dad’s iPod. So I had Billy Joel, James Taylor, Chicago, Enya, MoTab, Neil Diamond, Mozart, Faith Hill, and so many more. These artists were the only ones I listened to for a very long time, and I thought they were cool. However, once Spencer was old enough to develop his own taste in music, we younger siblings followed his lead. I still love to listen to the artists Dad introduced me to, though––they’re classics.

Deadline

A few days ago I told Mom and Chris about how I need to write a blog post each day before midnight, and ever since then, they have been reminding me at 11:00 to write my post if I haven't already. Every night it is a group effort to wake me up and tell me that I need to hurry and write my post. It’s actually been really helpful since I often fall asleep before I writing a post.

Tonight, Sam threw a blanket at me from the living room into the study where I am and knocked down the (old) vase of flowers. The water from the vase splashed all over my blanket and the flowers fell out and sprinkled pollen everywhere. The worst part is that those flowers were really old and the water was starting to get all nasty and murky. The flowers were pretty dried up and were beginning to stink, too. Now the ground in front of the couch stinks and it is giving me a head ache. Great.
…
Yesterday, I introduced Mom to one of my favorite shows on Netflix: Longmire. At first she told me that she didn’t like it and wanted to watch a comedy, but in the end I think I got her hooked. Now she is standing in the kitchen binge-watching season three. I’m a great daughter.

Rain, Yellow, Walk

I don’t know what to write.
…
I like the rain a lot. It feels refreshing to have water fall from the sky. Rain smells so good. I also love the way everything looks outside after it has rained; the trees, grass, and flowers are all a little bit greener, the roads are shiny with water, cars are laced with beads of water––everything looks beautiful.
…
I like the color yellow. I have never considered it to be one of my favorite colors since first grade, but it is growing on me again. I especially love yellow flowers; they always make me feel happy and excited about the spring time. “Yellow” is synonymous with “happy” in my book.
…
Walking is pretty great. Ever since I crashed on my bike coming home from school last semester, I have been walking to school. (Something about the thought of riding again gets me a little bit nervous.) While I do have to leave a lot earlier than when my class starts, I enjoy walking in the chilly morning air. It’s just better to walk and enjoy the little travel, instead of rushing through it on a bike. (I enjoy longer bike rides, though.)
…
Well, that’s all I can come up with.

The Couch

Whenever my body becomes tired, everything shuts down and there is no stopping the urge to sleep. I often find myself in the position to need to sleep whenever I am doing my homework on the study couch. In other words, I fall asleep on the couch a lot. “Couch” is basically synonymous with “bed” for me. I swear, the couch is the sandman himself. I just can’t help myself when I am feeling tired and am sitting on it––I just go to sleep. Now the challenge for my family members is that I am a really heavy sleeper. So whenever they try to wake me up to actually go to bed, I don’t hear them at all. My sister told me that on one occasion she began “booping” my nose, but I didn’t even do as much as flinch. On another occasion while I was at Mati’s house doing homework, I fell into a deep sleep on her bed. She told me that she began to bounce on the bed next to my face calling my name in hopes of waking me up. The crazy thing is that I have no recollection of that event whatsoever. My family can get desperate at times, but I can’t blame them.

The common warning signs for when I am about to fall asleep is when I feel cold, when I wrap up in a blanket, when I get a bit grouchy, and when I don’t feel like doing anything but sleep. It’s funny because just a few minutes ago, Mom woke me up on the couch (a rare event) to write this blog post. Usually nothing in this world would get me up off of the couch, but the act of writing my blog post every night has become a habit…and there is also a grade attached to it, so I guess that is a motivating factor too.

Singing

Singing is such an intriguing thing to think about. While singing is basically talking, it is a different form that all people can listen to, enjoy, connect to, and feel something with. If you ever see a person singing, they always get into; whether it be by closing their eyes, moving their hands around or moving their bodies. It’s interesting how just a change in tone can create something so different. Just the idea of singing is mind bending. As humans, we take pleasure in changing our voices. We find it to be a form of artistic expression, a way to share a short powerful message or an outlet to express how we feel.

In the Mormon culture, I never gave a second thought to how singing is integrated into our lives so deeply. Every Sunday we sing at least three songs, we have choirs, we have songs to go with scriptures, and so much more. It makes you ask why singing is one thing that can make us feel the Spirit. I’ve never thought about how singing is important to Heavenly Father. But it is a form of worship. We don’t only give talks, lessons, or read the scriptures to learn about and testify of Christ, we also sing about it. I find that to be so fascinating.

Birds and Squirrels

Anytime I am over at Matisse’s house to get help with Russian, I always get distracted by Dasha. She is so fluffy, sleek, small, vocal, and irresistible. I usually start doing my homework an hour after I go over because I just want to snuggle and play with Dahsa all night.

Tonight, was interesting. Since Matisse lives in a basement apartment, she only has one window. It is a good sized window, but you can never fully see the outdoors because it looks out to a dirt pit it was placed into. This makes it hard for Dasha to peer through the window to marvel at all of the blades of grass, trees, bugs, and occasional birds. The poor cat never goes outside because the last time she went outside, she was nearly lost forever.

To lighten Dasha’s grumpy mood tonight, Olivia decided to play her a cat video that consisted of birds and squirrels sitting in a green field eating nuts and berries most likely supplied by the camera crew that filmed them. It was heart breaking, but quite humorous to watch Dasha go full on huntress mode. She would crouch, staring at the birds or squirrels, observe them for a while, and then pounce at the screen. She would also sit patiently and slowly paw at one of the birds trying to grab it and eat it. Her little meows were pretty dang cute, but when you thought about the reason behind her meowing, it made you feel guilty and sad inside.

Overall though, I think Dasha enjoyed watching the birds and squirrels on the screen. I just wish she would actually be able to go outside and experience it fully. Talk about the struggles of being an indoor cat.

Valentine's Day

For the past few years, Valentine’s Day has been pretty suck-y. Valentine’s Day 2015 was just three weeks after Dad died. Valentine’s Day 2016 was when we had to put our beloved cat of 11 years, Cato down because of a painful tumor in her stomach. And today, I have too much HW to actually enjoy myself. Stink.

And yet, I continue to say that I actually like Valentine’s Day. Why? I don’t even know. However, Valentine’s Day 1986 was when Dad proposed to Mom, so I guess that is an influencing factor…

Well…right now I am trying to procrastinate writing my papers for this class (Writing 150) and for my Book of Mormon class. Gosh, I need to work on my procrastination problem.

Just barely one of Mom’s friends of 20+ years came to see her. She is really sweet, caring, and her voice sounds like the Chessie from The Parent Trap (the housemaid to the dad). It is oddly comforting to hear her voice. But really, she is an amazing individual.

Now I don’t know what to say.

Sam and Myrtle just left to go to the Macaroni Grill for their special, “romantic” dinner. Neither of them of very romantic, so it will be an interesting evening for them. JK. However, Sam told me why they were going to the Macaroni Grill: he simply likes their bread. He told me his concerns about the waiters being too busy that they won’t bring them more bread throughout the evening. Ha! :D

Any who, I have to go do my other HW now.