Today I briefly visited my breaking point. I froze with fear, anxiety, despair, and grief. I felt that God had forgotten who I was, and how much I could handle. All I knew to do was cry, wish I was living an easier life, and want to erase my memory, my responsibilities, my purpose––I was done with it all. I didn’t want to be fatherless any longer. I didn’t want to be working two jobs. I didn’t want to carry the responsibility of being my mother’s caretaker. I didn’t want to have to go to school. I didn't want to have to worry about finances. I didn’t want to have to worry about my social life, or lack thereof. I didn’t want to live the life I was living any more. I just didn’t want it.
But that is where I completely missed the mark.
God didn’t give me an easy life because smooth sailing makes for an inexperienced sailor. All my life I have constantly been praying to want to develop Christ-like qualities. But ultimately, I have shut out anything that would help me do just that. I have wanted to develop compassion like my mother and integrity like my father, but I have failed to notice how to get there: to experience life for what it is. I have come to realize that God has not only been answering my prayers, but making something greater out of me than what I can comprehend––something greater than what I could ever hope to pray for. All I need to do is let God guide my ship, and be thankful that someone who knows the seas––who actually created them––is steering my life to be the best darn thing I could ever hope for.
I’ve shed my tears, so now it’s time to keep going.
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